I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize