weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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