Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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