I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
