The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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