Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
