mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
