Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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