The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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