im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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