i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
