It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
