dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
