If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
