just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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