I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
