that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
