For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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