just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
