Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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