that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
