Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize