my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my liver is dry heaving
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
