I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
