Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
