Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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