I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
