Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize