I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
