I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize