roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
