I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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