cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
