you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
