here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
