His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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