Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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