chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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