She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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