Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
