have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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