i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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