the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
