you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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