I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
