Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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