I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
