I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize