11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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