I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
