I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
