what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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