I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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