It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
