Who wears a wallet chain?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
