New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
